WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has left the Vatican amazed, President Donald Trump held a press conference today, declaring himself the new Pope. “They call him the Pope, I call him the Poper-in-Chief,” Trump said, donning a custom MAGA miter and an ermine-trimmed robe reportedly repurposed from a Melania winter coat.
“Frankly, nobody knows more about poping than me. I’ve been saying it for years. Huge poper. The best,” Trump stated.
Despite lacking any formal affiliation with the Catholic Church or any other church that would claim him, Trump insists his new papal reign, which he’s dubbed “Pope Trump the Great (and Also Very Humble)”, is legitimate.
He’s already launched a line of holy water branded “Blessed by The Best™” and announced plans to move the Vatican to Las Vegas “where the real miracles happen.”
Vatican officials have yet to respond formally, though Trump supporters are rumored to be organizing a “Popemobile Rally,” featuring modified golf carts and chants of “Habemus Don!”
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