OSLO, NORWAY – In a move that shocked diplomats, confused historians, and delighted late-night comedians worldwide, the Nobel Committee announced today the creation, and immediate awarding, of the very first Nobel War Prize, bestowed upon President Donald J. Trump for what the committee called his “extraordinary enthusiasm for initiating conflicts that nobody asked for.”
The prize, hastily assembled overnight, was reportedly conceived after committee members realized that the existing Nobel Peace Prize categories were “no longer emotionally equipped to process recent events.”
According to the official citation, President Trump was honored for his “bold and imaginative efforts to expand the concept of war beyond traditional enemies,” most notably through his proposed confrontations with Venezuela, Greenland and Iran.
Committee spokesperson explained that “starting a fight with Iran demonstrated a rare willingness to challenge sand, mountains, and camels,“ a truly avant-garde approach to warfare.”
President Trump accepted the award in a ceremony held at a golf resort “that many people say is the most Nobel-worthy resort ever built.”
In his acceptance speech, he thanked himself repeatedly, praised the prize as “tremendous, really tremendous, people are saying it’s better than peace,” and hinted that future conflicts might include the Moon, the wind, or “very rude maps.”
Trump also suggested rebranding the Nobel Peace Prize as “Nobel Lite.”
The Nobel Committee confirmed that the Nobel War Prize will be a one-time award, citing concerns that “if this becomes a recurring category, we will never sleep again.”
The medal itself is reportedly made of recycled ceasefire agreements and comes with a lifetime supply of strongly worded press releases.
*Image: AI-generated