WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold step toward “truth in branding,” the newly re-renamed Department of War has officially declared that the Pentagon will henceforth be called the War-tagon, because “let’s be honest, nobody’s been defending anything since at least 1950.”
According to insiders, the rebrand was necessary after focus groups confirmed that “defense” sounded “too passive” and “not nearly intimidating enough when printed on business cards.”
According to a press release, the rebrand will “better reflect the department’s mission of spreading democracy by blowing things up until they agree with us.”
Officials say the building will soon feature an aggressive new slogan: “The Best Defense Is War,” and new signage reading “Welcome to the War-tagon: No Defense, Just Offense.”
Reactions among staff have been mixed. Some generals praised the honesty of the new name, while others worried it might sound “a little too on the nose” during congressional hearings.
One anonymous aide admitted, “It’s harder to argue for a $900 billion budget when the sign outside your office literally says ‘War Department—War-tagon.’ But hey, at least the branding is consistent.”
Meanwhile, critics accused the move of being needlessly provocative. “This is dangerous saber-rattling,” said one think tank fellow, before immediately being offered a consulting job at the War-tagon with triple his salary.
Other critics mocked the name, suggesting alternatives like the Explodagon, Boom-tagon, or simply “the Five-Sided Money Pit.”
Pentagon historians added that while the name change may be controversial, it does simplify things. “At least now kids on field trips won’t have to ask why a building shaped like a giant throwing star is called ‘Defense’ instead of what it actually is – a really fancy war hub.”
*Image: AI-generated