WASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House announced Tuesday that President Trump’s signature handshake will be officially retired and replaced with a new, “more efficient” greeting: the presidential middle finger.
According to press aides, the move comes after extensive internal studies showed that the gesture “better reflects the president’s authentic communication style” during factory tours, especially when surrounded by heavy machinery, union reps, and people asking uncomfortable questions about tariffs.
“In modern manufacturing environments, words are loud, machines are louder, and symbolism must be unmistakable,” said a senior official while unveiling a glossy pamphlet titled ‘Gestures of Strength: A New Era of Presidential Outreach.’
“The handshake takes time. The finger is immediate. It’s bold. It says, ‘I acknowledge you, and I am in charge,’ without the risks of lingering eye contact or excessive empathy.”
Factory workers selected for early pilot programs reportedly reacted with confusion, awe, and mild neck strain from trying to determine whether the gesture was directed at them personally or at the concept of global supply chains.
“At first I thought I’d done something wrong,” said one Ford factory machinist. “But then he did it again while smiling, so I figured it was like a thumbs-up, just… angrier.”
The White House confirmed that staff are being trained to clarify the new protocol, with talking points such as “That means hello,” “That also means goodbye,” and “Yes, he’s very pleased with the output this quarter.”
Officials added that alternative gestures are still under review, including a double finger for overseas plants and a slow, ceremonial finger raise for ribbon-cuttings, which aides describe as “deeply patriotic and surprisingly on-brand.”
*Image: Wikimedia commons CC-ASA 3.0, Gage Skidmore