NUUK, GREENLAND – Amid rising geopolitical tensions, the government of Greenland has reassured its citizens that a U.S. invasion is “highly unlikely,” citing a new and highly effective defense strategy: bribery with premium whiskey.
Sources inside Nuuk’s Ministry of Slightly Concerned Affairs revealed that three bottles of top-shelf Greenlandic whiskey were recently shipped to the U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth.
Officials claim that the Greenlanders may be sure that within 24 hours of delivery, the Defence Ministry Hegseth most probably will text them “Complete Invasion Plans – DO NOT SHARE” along with a series of confused emojis.
“We are not concerned,” said Greenland’s Minister of Strategic Shrugs. “We have analyzed the plans, and the main attack appears to rely on a single aircraft carrier docking in our capital. Unfortunately for them, we don’t have a proper dock for anything larger than a fishing boat.”
“Also, their supply chain is based on Taco Bell MREs, which means the troops will be incapacitated within hours,” on official added
While some skeptics argue that Greenland should still remain vigilant, the local defense strategy remains unchanged.
“We have more whiskey if needed,” one official stated confidently. “And if that fails, we’ll just ask Canada to text their invasion plans first.”
* Image: Flickr.com/U.S.SecretaryofDefense