NUUK, GREENLAND – Financial analysts are warning that if U.S. stock markets continue their dramatic slide, Greenland – the icy nation best known for its population of 56,000 and impressive collection of polar bears – may soon be in a position to purchase the United States outright.“
At this point, if the Dow drops another 2,000 points, Greenland could buy California with two walrus tusks and a bag of frozen cod,” said Dr. Linda Meekins, an economist who hasn’t slept since the Nasdaq started doing backflips.
Greenland’s government, which typically spends most of its time not being in the news, has reportedly hired a team of real estate lawyers and one extremely enthusiastic accountant. “We’ve had our eye on America since 2019 when Trump tried to buy us,” said Nuuk’s mayor with a wink.
“Now that the tables have turned, we’re thinking of returning the favor. Maybe we’ll turn Florida into a giant ski resort. You know, for irony.”
Experts say the Greenlandic Krona, which doesn’t actually exist but might be stronger than the U.S. dollar by Friday, is performing better than expected. “If this trend continues,” said a Wall Street trader as he packed his belongings into a cardboard box, “we might have to start accepting ice cubes as legal tender.”
Meanwhile, Denmark, which technically owns Greenland, has issued a statement saying, “We’re just as confused as you are, but if America comes with free shipping, we’ll consider it.”
President Donald Trump responded to the rumors by assuring the public that America is “not for sale, unless the offer includes a lifetime supply of those little Danish butter cookies that come in the blue tin.”
As the markets continue to dip, Greenland has already begun drawing up plans for a rebranded national anthem and replacing the Statue of Liberty’s torch with a giant ice cream cone.
Stay tuned for updates and dress warm—it’s going to be a chilly merger.
* Image: Freemalaysiatoday.com