COLUMBUS, OHIO – A panel of esteemed historians has announced that Christopher Columbus did not discover America in 1492.
Rather, newly uncovered evidence suggests that in 1492, Native Americans discovered several very lost, sunburned Europeans wandering aimlessly off the coast and muttering something about India.
“It’s truly groundbreaking,” said Dr. Linda Ironfeather, lead historian on the project. “Our analysis of indigenous oral histories, ship logs, and 500-year-old memes etched into bark indicate that the native Taino people were the first to lay eyes on the confused foreign tourists, promptly labeling them, in rough translation, as ‘those who yell at the ocean and wear pants in the wrong climate.’”
According to the new interpretation, the Taino were initially under the impression that Columbus and his crew were part of some kind of elaborate prank. “They just kept asking for spices,” noted a tribal historian. “We gave them chili peppers, but they cried. Then they asked if we had any Wi-Fi, so we figured they were probably unstable.”
The announcement has prompted textbooks worldwide to undergo urgent edits, with titles such as “1492: The Year America Was Discovered by the Lost and Confused” and “Manifest Oops-tiny: A History of Uninvited Guests” already hitting shelves.
Columbus Day may soon be replaced by “We Found Them Day,” celebrated by pointing out random tourists and offering them unsolicited directions.
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