ELLABELL, GEORGIA – As the aftermath of ICE raid to their manufacturing campus in Ellabell, Georgia, Hyundai Motor Company declared that all future hires at its U.S. factories must be certified kung-fu masters of at least black sash level.
The company officials explained that the move is part of an innovative security strategy to fend off any “unwanted interruptions” by immigration enforcement raids.
“When ICE storms in, we don’t want lawyers, we want flying sidekicks,” said a Hyundai spokesperson, before dramatically snapping a wooden board in half for emphasis.
Current employees without martial arts backgrounds have reportedly been offered free training sessions in the parking lot, where a local instructor has already been seen demonstrating crane stances between forklift shifts.
“We started with tai chi, but the forklift guys said it was too slow,” the instructor admitted. “Now we’re moving straight to Bruce Lee-level combat. By the end of the month, every welder should be able to block a clipboard with a nunchuck.”
Labor unions expressed mixed reactions. Some applauded Hyundai for empowering workers to fight back—literally, while others worried the initiative could spark inter-department brawls.
“The paint department is already challenging the assembly line to duels over who gets the better lunch break,” one union rep confessed. “Morale is high, but so is the number of black eyes.”
Despite the controversy, Hyundai insists the strategy is part of its commitment to innovation. Company executives revealed plans for a new ad campaign with the slogan: ‘Our cars aren’t the only thing that kicks.’ Early concept art reportedly features a Sonata performing a roundhouse kick over a border fence, though legal advisors are begging the company to “dial it back at least 40%.”
*Image: AI-genereated