MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Latest news from Minneapolis, Minnesota report that ICE started to apply new strategy for fighting illegal immigrants.
According to this new ICE strategy, detained undocumented immigrants will be taken to local cinemas and are forced to see the new ‘Melania‘ movie.
A cinematic experience critics describe as “cruel, unusual, and aggressively beige.”
However, ICE itself describes their new action as “absolutely not punishment, just a creative use of government property,”
According to the report, detainees were allegedly seated in windowless cinema rooms and told the screening was “mandatory cultural orientation.
Multiple detainees claim the experience of seeing the film ‘Melania’ felt legally longer than time itself. One anonymous detainee said the most distressing part was realizing there were no subtitles — “not because of language, but because nothing was actually being said.”
ICE spokespersons deny wrongdoing, noting that the film is played at a “reasonable volume” and that detainees are given breaks between viewings to stare silently at the wall and reconsider their life choices.
“This is not torture,” one official allegedly clarified. “This is prestige cinema.”
Human rights groups have called for an immediate moratorium on the screenings, warning that prolonged exposure to the movie may cause chronic sighing, thousand-yard stares, and an irreversible association between the word ‘fashion’ and existential dread.
At press time, sources confirmed the Department of Homeland Security was considering replacing the film with in-flight safety videos “to de-escalate the situation.”
*Image: AI-generated