WASHINGTON, D.C. – To help struggling citizens cope with rising food prices, the National Bureau of Sanitary Exceptions (NBSE) has officially extended the long-held “five-second rule” to a generous 7.28 seconds.
The previous limit, set at 3 seconds five years ago, had already been under review due to increasing snack scarcity and the rising cost of edible floor-based goods.
“With eggs at $12 a dozen and a single grape retailing at the price of a small coffee, we simply can’t afford to be picky anymore,” said Dr. Linda Crumbsworth, chief hygienist and part-time economist. “We ran the numbers. After 7.28 seconds, there’s still only a 17% chance of catastrophic bacterial takeover. That’s the same risk as eating gas station sushi.”
The announcement has sparked celebration and immediate testing. Citizens across the country have reportedly dropped cookies, pretzels, and entire slices of pizza – some allegedly on purpose – only to heroically retrieve them at the 7.25-second mark.
“It’s like a game of Operation meets Top Chef,” said local dad and snack opportunist, Greg L., while blowing on a slightly dusty Cheeto.
Meanwhile, not everyone is thrilled. Mop manufacturers and roomba lobbyists have filed a joint lawsuit claiming the rule change undermines their core business model.
A protest is expected outside NBSE headquarters, assuming enough protestors can be lured with free sandwiches and a 7.28-second floor-time guarantee.
* Image: Flickr.com/Tom Jarrett