WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pentagon’s HR department reports that the Secretary of War Pete Hegseth reportedly demanded that all employers, public and private, begin referring to him exclusively as Captain Jack Sparrow.
The demand came moments after the U.S. Navy “commandeered” a Venezuelan oil tanker earlier today—an operation Hegseth insisted was “99% strategic necessity, 1% swashbuckling flourish.”
Witnesses say he delivered the announcement while wearing a tricorn hat “he brought from home.”
According to sources inside the Department of War, the Navy’s seizure of the tanker – described by one officer as “an aggressively nautical misunderstanding” – prompted Hegseth to lean fully into what he called his “nautical era.”
He reportedly told staff that modern warfare requires “a certain panache,” which, in his view, includes eyeliner, a compass that points to whatever he wants most, and a ceremonial bottle of rum that has already been emptied “for morale purposes.”
Employees of the Department of War were left puzzled but intrigued as a memo circulated demanding that all employment paperwork, email signatures, and social media display names be updated to reflect his preferred title.
People were further instructed to greet Hegseth – should he appear unexpectedly in their offices – with the phrase, “Ahoy, Captain,” followed by a respectful nod and the offering of any loose gold coins. Several middle level managers of the Department of War reportedly asked whether he was joking, only to be told, “I’m dead serious, mate.”
When pressed for comment outside the Pentagon, Hegseth, who is now fully committed to the role, stood atop a wooden shipping crate and declared that this was merely “the first step in America reclaiming its rightful place as the most dramatic naval power on Earth.”
He then attempted to exit atop a rolling office chair, shouting, “To the brig!” before slowly drifting into the parking lot. Witnesses say he seemed satisfied with the momentum.
*Image: AI-generated