WASINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking yet somehow unsurprising move, sources close to the Trump administration revealed today a plan to grant pardons to every convicted criminal – on one condition: they must declare undying love and support for President Donald Trump.
Dubbed the “MAGA Mercy Act,” the initiative aimed to “fix America’s broken justice system” by replacing traditional legal standards with televised loyalty oaths. The proposed pardon process would have required inmates to recite a speech praising Trump’s “unmatched genius” and pledge to wear a red hat at all public appearances.
Critics quickly condemned the plan as absurd and unconstitutional, while White House insiders defended it as “the most efficient criminal justice reform in history.”
One unnamed aide reportedly argued, “Look, if someone’s willing to say Trump is the greatest president of all time, that proves they have good judgment and deserve another shot at life.”
However, legal analysts noted a peculiar flaw: even the most notorious criminals – bank robbers, tax fraudsters, and even corrupt politicians – could potentially walk free, as long as they tweeted “Trump Forever!” and “Make Trump the king of USA!” at least once a week.
Insiders claim it inspired several high-profile figures to seek legal advice on whether they could “retroactively love Trump” for a reduced sentence. One inmate allegedly wrote a heartfelt letter to Trump saying, “I may have stolen 500 cars, but I never stole an election!”
Experts agree that in the bizarre world of Trump-era politics, this plan might not even be the craziest thing considered.
* Image: Flickr.com/TrumpWhiteHouseArchived