WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold bipartisan move congressional aides confirmed this week that members of the U.S. House of Representatives will soon be handed out a brand-new, government-funded set of knee pads to “streamline and modernize the art of kneeling before President Donald Trump.”
The initiative, reportedly tucked into a 900-page appropriations bill under the line item “Ergonomic Loyalty Enhancements,” is being hailed by insiders as long overdue.
According to leaked specifications, the knee pads feature a sleek, modern design inspired by Silicon Valley aesthetics, with breathable materials and a plush inner lining “gentle enough for extended sessions of symbolic submission.”
The exterior comes in a dignified navy blue, embossed with a subtle eagle clutching a gold-plated thumbs-up. Designers emphasized that the pads were tested extensively on marble floors, press conference stages, and cable news studios.
Inclusivity was also a top priority. The knee pads are fully gender-neutral, adjustable for all body types, and available in sizes ranging from “Freshman Representative” to “Senior Committee Chair.”
A spokesperson proudly noted that the design “suits conveniently for both males and females, as well as anyone who identifies as politically flexible,” adding that Velcro straps allow for quick removal should public opinion suddenly shift.
“If kneeling is inevitable, it should at least be comfortable,” said one anonymous lawmaker while practicing a low, respectful crouch.
The White House has not officially commented, though sources say the president has already praised the initiative as “the best knee pads, maybe ever! People are saying they’re incredible.”
*Image: AI-generated