MEXICO CITY, MEXICO – Mexico announced today that it plans to build a massive, gleaming border wall along the Mexico–USA border. The reason is not to keep migrants out, but to protect Mexico from an unexpected invasion of aggressive American ICE agents.
The wall, officials clarified, will be “tastefully designed, earthquake-resistant, and emotionally supportive,” complete with murals reminding everyone to calm down and have a taco.
At a press conference the President of Mexico assured reporters that the wall would be entirely paid for by the United States.
“We have run the numbers very carefully,” the president said, pointing to a chart that appeared to be drawn in crayon. “According to our calculations, the U.S. will pay for it because we said so very firmly, and also because it would be very ironic if they didn’t.”
The proposed wall will reportedly feature advanced technology, including reverse ladders that only work from north to south, motion sensors triggered by excessive paperwork, and loudspeakers that automatically play mariachi music whenever someone says the word “deportation.”
Mexican officials emphasized that the wall is purely defensive. “This is not about hostility,” said one spokesperson. “This is about boundaries, personal space, and not having uninvited guests asking for documents at 6 a.m.”
Reaction from Washington was mixed, with some U.S. lawmakers expressing confusion, others expressing outrage, and a few quietly Googling whether they could expense the wall as a “cultural exchange project.”
Meanwhile, construction is expected to begin as soon as the U.S. Treasury receives the invoice, which Mexico confirmed will be labeled simply: ‘For the Wall. Love, Mexico.’
*Image: AI-generated