MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDA – President Donald Trump made headlines again, declaring that he would “end the tariff war with China in 24 hours — possibly faster, believe me — if the American people do the right thing and crown me King Donald the First. The statement was announced at his Mar-a-Lago estates, that to be renamed “Winter Royal Palace” soon.
Wearing a golden bathrobe, and flanked by two very confused Secret Service agents, Trump unveiled his new “Monarch Deal Plan,” which he claims will “make America regally great again.”
“When you’re King, deals get done fast,” Trump said, gesturing to a life-sized portrait of himself riding an eagle bare-chested.
“No Nancy Pelosi, no sleepy Joe, no red tape. Just me, a throne, and maybe a really terrific scepter — made in America, of course. Except the jewels. Those can be imported. Beautiful imports.”
Trump insisted that under his royal rule, he would negotiate “the best trade deal anyone’s ever seen,” citing his unique ability to “stare down Xi Jinping with the power of pure majesty.”
He added that the crown would grant him “tremendous negotiation powers” and access to “ancient economic scrolls” hidden in the National Archives.
Critics were quick to point out that the U.S. Constitution explicitly prohibits monarchy, to which Trump responded: “Fake news. The Constitution? Sounds French. Probably written by liberals. We’re going back to the real founding fathers — the Game of Thrones kind.”
As of press time, royal robes were reportedly sold out on the Trump campaign store, alongside new bumper stickers reading, “Make America Monarchical Again.”
* Image: Youtube.com/Republicans for the Rule of Law