WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has left historians, diplomats, and Alaskans collectively clutching their coffee mugs, President Donald Trump today unveiled what he calls “the greatest peace deal in the history of peace deals, maybe ever.”
Speaking in the Oval Office, Trump proposed handing over the entire state of Alaska to Russia in exchange for Vladimir Putin’s “totally honest, very sincere, no-take-backs” promise not to demand California and Florida.
“We’re giving them cold, we’re keeping the warm,” Trump explained, adding, “I think that’s a win-win, folks.”
The proposal, quickly dubbed the “Mother of All Deals” by Trump himself, has sparked confusion in the White House, outrage in Alaska, and cautious optimism from certain Florida retirees.
“California and Florida are tremendous, beautiful places with beaches — lots of beaches,” Trump said. “Alaska has snow. So much snow. The Russians will love it. Very similar to Siberia, but with Costco.”
When asked if he had consulted Alaskan leaders, Trump waved off the question, saying, “I’ve spoken to some great Eskimos – tremendous people, they love me – and they’re okay with it. Probably.”
Meanwhile, Putin reportedly responded positively, describing the offer as “refreshingly on brand” and promising not to make any further demands “until at least next Tuesday.”
International experts remain skeptical. “It’s the geopolitical equivalent of trading your house for a promise not to steal your car,” said one analyst.
Still, Trump insists history will vindicate him. “This is art of the deal, but bigger. Much bigger. The Mona Lisa of deals,” he declared, before suggesting the U.S. could “always buy Alaska back later, maybe at a discount.”
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