WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a move that has stunned world leaders and thrilled his die-hard supporters, President of the United States Donald Trump has reportedly demanded a 50% share of Russia’s revenues from critical minerals, oil, gas, ports, and infrastructure in exchange for brokering peace between Russia and Ukraine.
“Nobody makes deals like Trump,” he declared at a golf course press conference, adding, “Putin’s got a lot of stuff—oil, diamonds, big fancy palaces. I think it’s only fair I get my cut.”
According to sources, Trump has proposed a “Trump-Putin Partnership Plan”, where he would personally oversee Russia’s energy exports, ensuring that “only the best, most luxurious, most tremendous deals” are made.
He also suggested renaming key Russian assets, including the Black Sea to the “Trump Sea” and Moscow’s Red Square to “MAGA Square” as part of a historic rebranding effort. When asked if Putin had agreed, Trump simply said, “He respects me. I’ve always said, wouldn’t it be great if we got along with Russia? Well, we get along when I get 50%.”
While Kremlin officials were reportedly left speechless, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky responded with a simple, “Fine with me.”
Meanwhile, Trump supporters have already begun selling “Make Russia Great Again” hats, and sources say Trump’s attorneys are drawing up legal paperwork to trademark the phrase “From Russia with Trump.”
Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidmore