NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – In a rousing victory speech on the steps of City Hall, New York’s freshly elected mayor, Zohran Mamdani, assured a crowd of cheering supporters that his administration would finally make socialism work – “probably.”
The crowd reportedly erupted into applause, though some paused midway to ask if there would still be bagels.
Mamdani, visibly energized, promised a “people’s city where every New Yorker could thrive, as long as the spreadsheets line up and the landlords don’t unionize first.”
The new mayor’s first policy proposal, the “Redistribute the Pigeons Act,” aims to ensure equal access to Central Park’s avian population. “Why should Midtown have all the pigeons while Staten Island goes without?” he asked to thunderous approval.
Sources close to the administration suggest further plans include a public bike-sharing program that operates on the honor system and a rent freeze so comprehensive that it might extend to the concept of time itself.
Critics have been quick to respond, with one Wall Street analyst warning that “you can’t just pay the MTA in revolutionary enthusiasm.”
The mayor brushed off skepticism, saying that if socialism doesn’t work this time, they’ll just try slightly different fonts on the posters.
When asked how long it might take to see results, Mamdani was candid: “Give it a century. Or two. We’re patient – we live in New York traffic.”
The mayor then concluded his speech by declaring, “Power to the people – as soon as Con Edison reconnects it.”
*Image: AI-generated