WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States government announced today that the Department of War, long since known under the less exciting alias “Department of Defense,” will once again bear its original name — but with a modern twist.
Officials assured the public that from now on, the department will be waging only “peaceful wars,” which they described as “conflicts so gentle they’ll feel like awkward team-building exercises.”
To help sell the rebrand, the Pentagon will be painted pastel blue and fitted with a rooftop community garden. Soldiers will be issued biodegradable bullets, vegan MREs, yoga mat, a copy of The Art of Mindful Deterrence, and an unlimited supply of chamomile tea.
“We want to kill them with kindness,” explained one general, before quickly adding, “Metaphorically! Mostly.”
At a press conference, the Secretary of War explained: “We’re not talking about bombs and invasions anymore. Think more along the lines of passive-aggressive email campaigns, excessively competitive yoga classes, and prolonged eye contact that makes foreign leaders slightly uncomfortable.”
To demonstrate the new strategy, the Pentagon staged a mock “peace raid” on Canada earlier this week. U.S. troops crossed the border armed with acoustic guitars and baskets of gluten-free muffins.
Critics, however, are skeptical. “I don’t trust a country that says it’s declaring war on stress and then drafts you into a mandatory trust fall exercise,” said one concerned citizen.
Still, polls show the majority of Americans approve of the rebrand, with many stating they’d happily support a war fought exclusively with interpretive dance.
The Department of War, for its part, insists it is ready for the next great global challenge: a pillow fight summit with North Korea scheduled for early next spring.
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