AUSTIN, TX – Major oil companies reported massive profit surges this week after yet another global crisis, caused by U.S. bombing Iran, disrupted energy markets.
Executives expressed visible confusion during press conferences, insisting they were “still trying to understand the mysterious mechanism” by which geopolitical instability in Middle East, supply disruptions, and panicked energy demand somehow result in record-breaking quarterly earnings.
“We are as surprised as anyone,” said one CEO while standing in front of a chart showing profits climbing at a near-vertical angle.
“Every time there’s a war, sanctions, or a shipping crisis, the exact same thing happens. Prices rise, our revenues soar, and shareholders celebrate. Frankly, it’s baffling.”
The executive confirmed the company has assembled a “top-tier task force” of economists, consultants, and several interns to determine why the phenomenon keeps repeating.
Industry leaders emphasized that they take the situation very seriously and are committed to transparency.
“If our profits continue increasing every time there’s global turmoil, the public deserves answers,” another executive stated.
“We intend to examine whether supply chains, market speculation, or perhaps some kind of extremely predictable economic pattern is responsible.”
At press time, several oil companies announced preliminary findings from their investigation, concluding that the problem might be linked to “people still needing energy during crises.”
CEOs vowed to keep studying the issue until they can determine a reliable way to appear surprised next quarter.
*Image: AI-generated