HEARD AND MCDONALD ISLANDS – The penguin colonies of the remote Heard and McDonald Islands have declared economic war on the United States in an unexpected escalation of international tensions.
The penguin colonies are threatening to increase fentanyl exports unless the Trump administration lifts recently imposed high tariffs on fish, krill, and “important shiny pebbles.”
Speaking through their ambassador – a puffed-up emperor penguin named Sir Flappybeak IV – the birds issued a stern warning from a melting iceberg podium.
“If America insists on crippling our trade economy, we will respond with waddling vengeance and chemically enhanced chaos,” Flappybeak said, while being praised and applauded by an loud crowd of penguins demanding even harsher retaliation.
The Trump campaign, caught off guard by the avian uprising, initially dismissed the threat as “fake squawk,” claiming the penguins “don’t even have opposable thumbs, let alone international drug trafficking infrastructure.”
However, reports from the DEA indicate a troubling surge in suspicious Antarctic shipping containers filled with snow-globes, fish oil supplements, and oddly aggressive TikTok dance tutorials – potential Trojan horses for flipper-facilitated narcotics smuggling.
Sources also confirm that a breakaway penguin faction, the Iceberg Liberation Front (ILF), has begun training puffin recruits in underwater guerrilla tactics using fish as both nourishment and projectile weapons.
Despite the news about penguins retaliate actions, President Trump remains defiant, tweeting “NO DEAL! AMERICA FIRST, PENGUINS LAST!” in all caps.
* Image: X.com