WASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House reported that President Donald Trump has offered “deepest thoughts and prayers to the Pope’s wife and children” following the Vatican’s announcement of Pope Francis’s passing today.
“It’s a very sad day,” Trump wrote. “He was a tremendous guy. I spoke to his lovely wife once – beautiful woman, really classy – and their kids, just wonderful. We’ve lost a strong family man.”
The White House, though Trump is no longer affiliated with it- issued a preemptive clarification out of what one aide called “secondhand embarrassment and international damage control.”
A spokesperson stated, “We would like to remind the American public and Mr. Trump that, as per several centuries of Catholic tradition, Popes are not married and do not have children. Despite this, we extend our genuine condolences to all Catholics around the world.”
Trump later doubled down on his statement in a follow-up interview on Newsmax, insisting, “You’d be surprised. A lot of people are saying the Pope might’ve had a family. I’m hearing it. Some are calling it the Vatican cover-up. Who knows? I just wanted to show respect. Nobody shows more respect than me. Melania said I was being very respectful.”
Meanwhile, the Vatican has reportedly asked Siri to “define celibacy” for Trump, just in case.
* Image: goodfon.com