MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Sources inside the Kremlin claim Russian president Putin has devised a new loyalty test for the U.S. President Donald Trump: requesting that Trump send American troops to Russia to help defeat Ukraine.
The catch? Putin doesn’t actually want the help – he just wants to see if Trump will say yes again “out of pure habit.”
“We’ve tried everything,” one anonymous Kremlin aide confessed, sipping vodka out of a coffee mug shaped like a bald eagle. “Sanctions, propaganda, secret meetings. But at some point, Vladimir just said, ‘What if I ask him for something truly insane – like sending American soldiers here, to Russia, to help us win our own aggression against Ukraine? Let’s see how far this bromance really goes.’”
The aide claims that during a brief phone call, Trump responded enthusiastically, reportedly saying, “Absolutely, Vlad—whatever you need. Our boys love Russia. It’s like Alaska but with more palaces.”
When reminded that this would involve U.S. troops fighting for Russia, Trump allegedly paused and said, “Look, if I had a nickel for every time people told me I was on the wrong side of something – I’d still be richer than Biden.”
White House officials declined to comment, but one unnamed Pentagon insider was overheard muttering, “We’re gonna need a flowchart for this one.”
Meanwhile, Putin is said to be quietly pleased, though slightly disturbed. “I didn’t think he’d actually agree,” he reportedly told advisors. “Now I have to explain to my generals why Air Force One will soon be parked outside the Kremlin.”
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