MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian officials announced the launch of a revolutionary new AI-system called ChatFSB.
Marketed as a “conversational assistant with patriotic alignment,” ChatFSB promises to ask users all the questions necessary – about their work, their friends, their thoughts, and their thoughts about their thoughts, before deciding whether the conversation may safely continue.
According to the developers, ChatFSB is unique because it does not merely answer questions; it interrogates.
Users are required to respond clearly, confidently, and most importantly, correctly. The system reportedly uses advanced neural networks, facial recognition, tone analysis, and an old notebook labeled “Suspicious Vibes” to evaluate each response in real time.
“If the answer is correct, the chat proceeds,” explained one engineer. “If it is incorrect, the chat concludes… abruptly.”
Early beta testers report that incorrect answers trigger an automated protocol known internally as “Sudden Fresh Air Mode,” in which the user is politely but firmly encouraged to jump out of the nearest window.
Officials stressed that this feature is “purely symbolic” and “statistically encouraged,” adding that buildings with ChatFSB installed will simply adapt by having more windows.
Despite international concern, state media hailed ChatFSB as a breakthrough in efficiency, noting that it saves time by combining customer support, surveillance, and extreme consequences into a single seamless user experience.
Future updates are expected to include a premium subscription tier, where users may answer one question incorrectly per month, and a child-friendly version, ChatFSB Junior, which only uses ground-floor windows.
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