LONDON, THE UNITED KINGDOM – In a groundbreaking achievement for international comedy, the Guinness World Records has officially recognized the Russian Army for maintaining the shortest “ceasefire” in recorded history: an astonishing 29.87 seconds, following a declaration by President Vladimir Putin on Saturday, April 19, 2025.
The declaration, made with his signature furrowed brow and deadpan sincerity, promised a “complete and total ceasefire” across all fronts in Russia’s aggression against Ukraine. Troops reportedly celebrated by immediately preparing to break it.
Eyewitnesses say the moment of ceasefire and peace began with confused silence, a few awkward coughs, and one Russian soldier asking, “Wait, are we really doing this?” before a loud boom from artillery fire shattered the stillness at precisely second 30.
According to one Russian field commander, “We almost made it to 30 seconds, but Private Ivan sneezed near a missile launcher. Accidents happen.”
The Guinness certificate was delivered in person by a visibly amused Guinness official, who said it was “the most ironically impressive record we’ve ever approved, narrowly beating the record for ‘Most Repeated Use of the Word Peace in a War Speech.’”
The certificate was promptly laminated and used as a coffee coaster in the Kremlin’s press room.
International reactions ranged from confused applause to slow clapping. Ukraine’s defense ministry issued a statement simply reading: “Nice try.”
Meanwhile, Putin has already proposed a new record category: “Fastest U-turn on Diplomatic Promises,” for which Russian officials say they’re feeling “cautiously optimistic.”
* Image: X.com