MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Kremlin insiders report that Russian president Vladimir Putin has reportedly been forced to change his personal phone number after receiving what sources describe as “endlessly long, rambling calls” from U.S. President Donald Trump.
According to aides, Trump would frequently dial Putin late at night, often beginning with the phrase, “Hi, mate Vlad! Just one quick thing,” before launching into what staffers politely referred to as “a freestyle monologue.”
“The president Putin simply couldn’t get any work done,” a Kremlin official admitted under condition of anonymity. “Every time he tried to focus on his work, the phone would ring and Trump would be talking about golf scores, the ratings of old episodes of The Apprentice, or his ideas for a new line of branded neckties. It was exhausting. One call lasted three hours, and the only topic was how tall Trump’s towers are compared to other towers.”
The final straw reportedly came last week when Trump called Putin seven times in one day, insisting that they collaborate on “the world’s greatest peace deal to end Russian aggression in Ukraine.”
After Putin muted his phone, Trump allegedly left 42 consecutive voicemails, each beginning with, “Okay, last idea, Vlad, you’re gonna love this one.”
Russian security services immediately recommended a full number change, complete with new encryption protocols and a blocklist featuring Trump’s entire family.
When asked for comment, Trump denied being a nuisance, stating: “Putin loves my calls. Everybody loves my calls. They’re tremendous calls, the best calls. Some people say they’re the best in history. If he changed his number, it’s only because he doesn’t want Biden to feel jealous.”
Meanwhile, Kremlin staffers say Putin is finally enjoying some peace and quiet – at least until Trump discovers WhatsApp.
*Image: Wikimedia commons cc-as 3.0
