SPOKANE, WA — Experts are calling it “a statistical miracle wrapped in a petty miracle,” when 48-year-old Carl Benson has reportedly exceeded his lifelong ambition of irritating one person per day – by a margin of over 5,000 people.
According to data compiled by both family members and several restraining orders, Benson has managed to rack up enough daily aggravations to put him at least 15 years ahead of schedule.
“It started as a motivational poster,” said Benson, wearing a shirt that read ‘Don’t Like Me? Get in Line.’ “
I figured if I could make just one person roll their eyes at me each day, I’d leave my mark on the world.” But Carl’s commitment to the craft, ranging from loud phone conversations in elevators to yelling “you dropped this!” and handing strangers random garbage, quickly evolved into what analysts now describe as a full-blown “nuisance empire.”
Neighbors report Carl’s antics include fake car alarms at 3 a.m., unsolicited cryptocurrency advice, and once hosting a barbecue in January “just to prove the HOA couldn’t stop him.”
His ex-wife noted, “He once mailed my cat a glitter bomb for ‘voting against pineapple on pizza.’ We don’t even live together anymore.”
Experts warn that if Carl continues at his current rate, he could reach theoretical “Annoyance Singularity” by 2031, at which point even inanimate objects may begin sighing around him.
Meanwhile, Carl remains undeterred. “Haters are just proof I’m on the right path,” he said, while aggressively chewing chips on speakerphone during a job interview he wasn’t invited to.
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