WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold and innovative move to boost both national security and state revenue, the Trump administration has announced it will abandon the “totally unsafe, very bad” Signal app in favor of OnlyFans for all classified military communications.
“Look, Signal – it’s a disaster. Hackers, leakers, terrible! But OnlyFans, folks, it’s tremendous,” said President Donald Trump. “You want top-secret war plans? You pay a small, very reasonable fee. Beautiful business model!”
According to senior officials, OnlyFans’ paywall will provide “extra layers of security” by ensuring only the most dedicated foreign spies – sorry, patriots – can afford access.
Subscription tiers will range from “$9.99 for minor coup attempts” to “$99.99 for full-scale invasions,” with a special “Dictator Platinum Package” featuring bonus nuclear codes and a signed Mar-a-Lago menu.
“We call it ‘Monetizing Democracy,’ and quite frankly, it’s genius,” said a spokesperson.
Experts have raised concerns about the ethical and legal implications of selling war plans on an adult content platform, but Trump dismissed critics as “boring losers who don’t understand pay-per-view capitalism.”
He also hinted that Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth might make “exclusive behind-the-scenes tank selfies” available for premium subscribers. “It’s gonna be huge, folks. The biggest OnlyFans drop in history. The Pentagon, but sexier!”
As the administration gears up for its new digital strategy, one thing is clear: the future of classified intelligence is about to get a lot more… interactive.
* Image: Flickr.com/U.S. Secretary of Defense