PENTAGON, D.C. – President Donald Trump and Secretary of War Pete Hegseth entertained 800 generals yesterday with a stand-up comedy show titled Bearded Fat Soldier.
The event, held in the Pentagon’s newly christened “Morale Enhancement Amphitheater,” promised “50% strategy, 50% dad jokes, and 110% patriotism.” Tickets were free, but attendees were required to salute at least three times before being seated.
Military historians are already calling it the “funniest tactical maneuver since someone put googly eyes on the Pentagon.”
Trump opened the set with his signature style, boasting, “Folks, I am the best stand-up president. Nobody stands up better than me. When I left the Oval Office after my first term as US President, even the chairs were sas – they sat down so low, it was unbelievable.”
Generals reportedly laughed politely, though one was seen frantically consulting a field manual on whether chuckling at a Commander-in-Chief constituted insubordination.
Hegseth followed with a beard-centric routine, declaring, “If your face isn’t camouflaged by a beard, are you even combat-ready? For example, look at Santa Clause – he is basically the best Special Ops serviceman there could be.”
He then attempted a juggling act with three MREs, dropping one into the lap of General McKenzie, who was later quoted as saying, “It was the funniest thing that’s happened to me since a Humvee caught fire and only the coffee survived.”
The show concluded with a musical number titled Make Fatigue Pants Great Again, during which Trump and Hegseth tap-danced in combat boots while tossing camouflage trucker hats into the crowd.
*Image: Youtube.com/Sky News Australia