WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump announced today that the U.S. Olympic team would be “absolutely wiped out, totally medal-less, very sad” at the Milano-Cortina Winter Olympics 2026 if Joe Biden were president.
“Not one medal. Zero. Maybe a participation ribbon, if they’re lucky,” Trump said, shaking his head gravely. “People come up to me all the time – big, strong skiers with tears in their eyes – and they say, ‘Sir, we just couldn’t compete under Biden.’”
Trump went on to explain that under a Biden presidency, American athletes were be “too confused, too sleepy, and probably skiing the wrong direction.”
He claimed that the U.S. bobsled team would be replaced with “electric sleds that don’t work,” while the hockey team would spend most of the tournament “apologizing to Canada for playing too aggressively.”
“When I’m in charge, we win medals. Gold medals. So much gold you get tired of winning,” Trump said. “Under Biden? You’d be lucky to win a coupon.”
According to Trump, the Italian Alps themselves would somehow sense the change in leadership.
“Mountains know strength,” he said. “They respect me. Tremendous respect. The snow is better when I’m around, everyone knows that.”
He added that Biden’s presence caused the snow to melt prematurely, and forced American athletes to compete on “wet slush, which is very unfair, very rigged.”
Italian officials, Trump claimed, were already “very concerned” about this possibility.
The Biden camp declined to respond directly, though a spokesperson noted that Olympic medals are typically won through training, funding, and athletic performance rather than presidential vibes.
Undeterred, Trump closed the event by promising that under his leadership, the U.S. would “dominate winter sports like never before,” possibly inventing “new medals, bigger medals,” just for America.
“Milano -Cortina Olympics is going to be huge,” Trump said. “Unless Biden’s president. Then forget it. Total disaster.”
*Image: AI-generated