WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a surprise press conference today held at the White House, President Donald Trump stunned market observers with another quick pivot on trade, announcing he would cancel all his reciprocal tariff plans
Trump cited concerns that the tariffs might inadvertently harm the Russian economy. “Look, nobody loves America more than me, okay? But we have to think of our great, strong friends in Russia,” Trump said.
Trump, who has previously placed tariffs on everything from Canadian maple syrup to wind turbines that “look at him funny,” claimed he had a “tremendous revelation” after a phone call with what he described as “a very tan, very shirtless, very influential man.”
“I thought these tariffs were going to Make America Great Again, but apparently they’re making Russian billionaires sweat and cry,” Trump lamented. “I can’t have that on my conscience. I’m a businessman, but I’m also an empath.”
When asked by reporters whether he was concerned about the critics of prioritizing Russia’s economy over American workers, Trump doubled down.
“America First, but Russia is like a very close second,” he clarified. “And besides, if the ruble falls, how will they afford to keep buying American made products?” He then exited the stage to the tune of the Russian national anthem remixed with Kid Rock.
* Image: Wikimedia cc-as 2.0/vecteezy.com
