WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what experts are calling “a world record in global peacemaking speedruns,” President Donald J. Trump announced today that he has once again ended seven wars before noon, bringing his grand total to 21 conflicts resolved in just three days.
“Nobody ends wars like me,” Trump declared while waving a golden Sharpie allegedly used to sign the treaties. “Other presidents, they end maybe one war, sometimes two if they’re lucky. I’m doing seven a day. It’s tremendous. The generals are crying. Tears of joy. Beautiful tears.”
White House aides confirmed the latest batch of conflicts included the long-forgotten Battle of the Backyard Barbecue in Boise and the century-old Great Scone Dispute of Cornwall.
“Some of these wars, frankly, nobody even knew were happening until Trump ended them,” said one exhausted staffer, noting that the president demanded a new wall-sized scoreboard to track his “winning streak.”
Critics argue that not all the “wars” he ended were technically wars, but Trump dismissed this as “fake fighting, fake news.”
At the United Nations, weary diplomats struggled to keep up with Trump’s peace sprint. “We have to issue him seven new Nobel Peace Prizes a day just to maintain consistency,” said one ambassador, noting that the Nobel committee has already placed an emergency order for more gold medals.
The United Nations has also started scheduling daily “Trump Time” slots, where world leaders line up with paperwork for him to sign, like a cosmic DMV for global peace.
“It’s like Santa Claus, but for treaties,” one diplomat sighed. “He just signs, smiles, and says, ‘You’re welcome, world.’”
Meanwhile, NATO officials admitted they are struggling to keep up, as they’ve already run out of official stamps to validate the endless stack of agreements.
Analysts now predict that if Trump keeps this pace, he will have ended all wars in human history – including hypothetical ones – in approximately two weeks.
Asked what he plans to do after achieving total peace on Earth, Trump hinted at expanding operations: “We’re looking into space wars, maybe Mars wars. Nobody knows Mars like I do. When I’m done, even the aliens are going to be saying, ‘Thank you, Mr. President.’”
*Image: Ai-generated