WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump unveiled today the reason why he has been so desperately demanding U.S. purchasing Greenland from the Kingdom of Denmark.
For everyone’s surprise the main reason is not for its strategic location or natural resources, but to “store things very, very deep under ice – nobody’s ever seen ice like this.”
Sources close to the president say Trump described the plan as “basically a filing cabinet, but colder and more patriotic. And it is good, may be the best place in the world, where we need to bury those infamous and absolutely pointless Epstein files. I like this idea! Everybody says this is the best idea!”
According to aides who insist this was said with a straight face, the president praised Greenland’s ice sheet as “nature’s strongest NDA,” explaining that one mile of frozen secrecy would be “tremendous, frankly unbeatable.”
When asked why ordinary safes or archives wouldn’t suffice, Trump allegedly waved them off, noting that “ice doesn’t leak, ice doesn’t talk, and ice definitely doesn’t testify.”
Danish officials, meanwhile, were reportedly confused but impressed by the pitch deck, which included charts labeled “ICE = TRUST” and “PROBLEMS → ICE → GONE.”
One anonymous diplomat claimed Trump promised to rename the territory “Greenland Heights” and throw in a complimentary gold-plated shovel for ceremonial burying.
“It was unclear what exactly was being buried,” the diplomat said, “but it sounded extremely metaphorical. And also extremely literal.”
At press time, scientists were quick to clarify that burying paperwork under a mile of ice would do nothing except confuse future archaeologists and inspire at least six Netflix documentaries.
Trump, however, remained optimistic, stating, “In a thousand years, they’ll dig it up and say, ‘Wow, this guy was organized.’ That’s legacy. Very cold, very beautiful legacy.”
*Image: AI-generated