ROME, ITALY – Vice President Vance, who was visiting The Papal Basilica of Saint Peter in the Vatican City this weekend, raised his eyebrows in total amusement when he passionately questioned, “Why, in the name of God, wasn’t Jesus wearing a suit on the cross?”
Reporters, initially assuming it was a metaphor, quickly realized Vance was dead serious. “I’m just saying,” he elaborated, “if you’re going to be the Son of God, maybe throw on a blazer. Show some respect for the occasion.”
The vice president, known for his fondness for three-piece suits and loosely interpreted scripture, went on to say that modern leaders could learn from “a more business-casual Messiah.” He suggested that if Jesus had chosen a tasteful navy suit, “maybe the Romans would’ve reconsidered,” citing no historical evidence whatsoever.
Religious scholars immediately responded with a mix of confusion and existential dread. Reverend John Graham of the National Interfaith Council told reporters, “We’ve spent two thousand years on theology, and this man just tossed a Men’s Wearhouse catalog into the crucifixion narrative.”
Meanwhile, Catholic Twitter exploded with memes depicting Jesus in Armani, and one post read, “Jesus died for your sins, not your fashion faux pas.”
Despite backlash, Vance doubled down, proposing legislation to install dress codes at religious reenactments and promising tax breaks for churches that upgrade their depictions of biblical figures with modern tailoring.
“All I’m saying,” he concluded, adjusting his cufflinks, “is if you’re gonna save humanity, at least look sharp doing it.”
* Image: X.com/@floboflo