New York City, NY – Leading stock market experts have issued a dire warning this week, cautioning that if President Donald Trump launches what he’s calling a “mathematics-based tariff war” against Asian countries, the United States may be “totally and mathematically f***ed.”
According to analysts, while traditional trade wars rely on economics and angry tweets, a math war would require “multiplication, fractions, and God forbid, algebra.”
“We’re not ready,” said Doug Stapleton, a Wall Street strategist who once failed pre-calculus twice.
“Asian countries have been prepping their students with equations and logic puzzles since kindergarten. Our kids are still struggling with the concept that 0.25 is the same as 1/4. If Trump brings calculators into this, we’re done,” Stapleton explained.
Trump, speaking in the White House Oval Office, declared, “We’re going to beat China with math. Nobody knows math better than me – I invented the number eleventeen.” He then proposed a tariff formula that economists are still trying to decode, involving “4D chess, one metric ton of winning, and a sprinkle of quantum physics.”
In a leaked memo, the Department of Education reportedly advised Americans to “brush up on their long division” and consider watching YouTube tutorials.
Meanwhile, the S&P 500 index took a nosedive after investors learned that the proposed Math War could include trigonometry. “Once sine and cosine are involved,” one trader muttered while clutching a stress ball, “all bets are off.”
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