WASHINGTON, D.C. – In its official Labor Day statement, the White House issued glowing praise for Harold Jenkins, the staffer responsible for helping President Donald Trump fit his legs into his shoes.
The role, described by officials as “physically demanding, emotionally taxing, and occasionally life-threatening,” was hailed as one of the most essential yet underappreciated jobs in government service.
“If democracy had a soul, Harold would be the one tying its laces,” the press release declared.
White House aides explained that Jenkins’ work often began before sunrise, as he was tasked with preparing a variety of footwear ranging from golf spikes to “executive loafers” in sizes that, according to insiders, “defy the laws of podiatry.”
Sources confirmed that the job requires not only brute strength but also “a monk-like patience” as the president allegedly insisted that his shoes be slipped on without so much as a wrinkle in the socks.
“It’s an art form,” Jenkins admitted in an interview. “Sometimes it’s like pushing a watermelon through a garden hose.”
The proclamation went on to note that Jenkins endured significant occupational hazards, including sudden foot stomps, unpredictable leg flails, and the psychological burden of hearing the phrase, “Tighter, tighter!” shouted at close range.
In one instance, he reportedly dislocated a shoulder during a particularly intense encounter with a pair of size 12 patent leather oxfords. White House doctors later referred to his condition as acute shoe-fitter’s elbow, a rare but devastating ailment.
In honor of his service, Jenkins was awarded a ceremonial “Golden Shoehorn” during a quiet Rose Garden ceremony attended by staffers and one very enthusiastic Secret Service agent who applauded for an uncomfortably long time.
While the recognition raised eyebrows, officials defended the move, noting that Labor Day is about celebrating the unseen workers who keep the country running.
“Some carry the weight of the nation on their shoulders,” the statement concluded. “Harold carries it on his knees.”
*Image: X.com/@PaulRudnickNY