WASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House proudly announced today that every single member of former President Trump’s cabinet is, in fact, capable of reading.
Press Secretary spokespeople emphasized that this includes not only big, bold capital letters but also the “tricky lowercase ones that sometimes try to hide in the middle of words.”
Officials described the revelation as a “huge milestone in government transparency,” though they admitted no one has yet produced evidence that reading has ever been applied to actual policy documents.
Reporters pressed for clarification, asking whether this newly confirmed literacy extended to “boring stuff” like economic reports, intelligence briefings, or emails longer than three sentences.
The White House would only say, “They could read those things if they wanted to,” before quickly pivoting to praise the cabinet’s demonstrated mastery of “short slogans on hats.”
Observers noted that the statement was not accompanied by any reading demonstration, such as cabinet members being asked to identify words on a page or sound out “infrastructure.”
When asked how the administration tested this ability, officials revealed that cabinet members had been shown a series of flashcards featuring phrases like “Tax Cut”, “Law & Order”, and “Strong Wall.”
All participants reportedly scored highly, though one anonymous insider admitted the test may have been compromised when some were caught whispering the answers to each other.
A supplemental test using lowercase words like “governance” and “ethics” resulted in “mixed feelings” and an immediate request for larger font.
Despite this breakthrough in national literacy assurance, the White House stopped short of confirming whether reading skills are ever put into practice during cabinet meetings.
“That’s a different question,” one aide explained, nervously flipping through blank sheets of paper. “Knowing how to read and actually reading are two separate competencies. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
The briefing concluded with officials assuring the press that the president himself remains “a very visual learner” and is most comfortable with PowerPoints that have no words at all.
*Image: Flickr.com/Trump White House Archived