WASHINGTON, D.C. – The White House announced in a press briefing today, that President Donald Trump is “absolutely not dead” but simply “enjoying his final rest.”
Officials clarified that this should not be interpreted as a euphemism, though no one in the room seemed clear on what else it could possibly mean.
“The President is in perfect health,” insisted the press secretary. “He is merely transitioning into a state of permanent, well-earned relaxation.”
Reporters pressed for clarification on whether this “final rest” was medical, metaphysical, or something closer to an extended nap.
The White House assured the public that Trump remains “deeply active in his resting” and continues to lead “some of the most tremendous, history-making dreams in American history.”
Aides later added that the former president had requested a gold-plated pillow and that his rest “might last indefinitely, depending on how luxurious the sheets feel.”
The announcement set social media ablaze, with supporters trending the hashtag #RestLikeTrump, while critics compared the language to a particularly awkward obituary draft.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theories began circulating that Trump had, in fact, discovered a way to retire without technically admitting defeat.
“It’s 5D chess,” claimed one online commentator. “He’s resting so hard the libs won’t even know how to respond.”
When asked if the American people would see Trump again, the White House responded, “Absolutely, yes! If you’re patient and willing to believe in the power of rest.”
They concluded the briefing by assuring citizens that while Trump is not dead, “the country should give him the same respect as if he were, at least until nap time is over.”
*Image: X.com/@atrupar