Washington, DC – The White House announced late on Monday that it is open to brokering a cease-fire deal in Russian – Ukrainian war, but only under one completely reasonable condition: Russia must hand over its entire nuclear arsenal to Ukraine.
In what officials are calling a “win-win scenario,” the U.S. insists that this proposal could bring a swift end to the war, and as one senior aide described, show Russia how the true balance of world powers works.
The White House Press Secretary described the plan as a groundbreaking step toward global peace. She assured reporters that the plan had been thoroughly vetted, stating, “This is diplomacy at its finest. We’re giving everyone what they didn’t know they wanted.”
The Kremlin’s reaction was predictably icy. Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly responded with his trademark – shaking hands and calling the proposal the biggest escalation ever heard. The Kremlin is wondering how can Americans be sure that Russian nuclear war heads are in order, when the Russian army itself have no idea about that.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, however, appeared cautiously optimistic about the idea. In a televised address, Zelensky said, “We welcome the chance to sit down and talk, especially if it means we get a state-of-the-art arsenal that we’ll definitely only use for peaceful reasons, like heating Kyiv in winter.”
The president then quipped, “Though we might also store them next to some really important grain silos. You know, just in case.”
The proposal has raised eyebrows among U.S. allies. NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte appeared visibly stunned when asked for comment, muttering, “This feels like one of those plans you come up with at 3 a.m. over a bowl of nachos.”
Meanwhile, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer simply remarked, that at least it’s not another trade war.
Analysts are split on the feasibility of the deal. Some argue that the logistics alone are daunting, as relocating a nuclear arsenal requires unprecedented cooperation and a “ridiculous number of bubble wrap rolls.” Others, however, see it as a golden opportunity to end the conflict in a way that will be remembered in history books.
As the world waits for Russia’s formal response, one thing is clear: geopolitics just got a lot more interesting. Whether this bold proposal will lead to peace or merely set the stage for a nuclear custody battle remains to be seen.
In the meantime, the White House insists it’s optimistic, with one official noting, “If this works, we’re sending Elon Musk to negotiate the next Middle East peace treaty.”
* Image: Flickr/European External Action Service