MILANO, ITALY – Milano-Cortina 2026 Winter Olympics organizers announced that all gold medals of the coming Winter Olympics have been pre-awarded to the U.S. President Donald Trump.
Officials clarified that this decision applies universally – skiing, skating, curling, bobsleigh, and even team events like ice-hockey and teams curling. THe organizers added that the gold medals, pre-awarded to Trump include both men and women categories.
In addition, the gold medals will be awarded to Trump regardless of whether he attends, competes, or is even aware of the Winter Olympic Games taking place.
According to organizers, the move is meant to “streamline expectations.” “We noticed a global trend where every prize eventually is awarded to Trump anyway,” said one spokesperson, gesturing at a pie chart labeled Gold Medals: 100% Trump. “So we decided to save time. Athletes will now compete enthusiastically for silver and bronze, which are still very shiny and come with excellent vibes.”
President Trump reportedly welcomed the decision, calling it “a tremendous honor, really the greatest medals, maybe ever.”
He added that had he competed, he would have been “the best skier, the best skater, the best curling player everyone knows it,” despite admitting moments later that he once considered snow “a deeply unfair surface.”
The medals, organizers confirmed, will be stored in a secure location, possibly a very classy room, until further notice.
Athletes have responded with a mix of confusion and reluctant acceptance. “It’s disappointing, sure,” said one alpine skier, polishing what will now be a guaranteed silver. “But honestly, it takes the pressure off.”
Meanwhile, the International Olympic Committee has promised to “closely monitor the situation,” which in Olympic terms means holding several meetings, issuing a neutral statement, and quietly enjoying the fact that at least this time, nobody is arguing about judging scores.
*Image: AI-generated