NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK – In a move that has sent shock waves through the five boroughs and several brunch tables in Brooklyn, freshly elected New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani has announced his bold new initiative to rename the Big Apple to “New Woke City.”
During his first press conference, Mamdani declared, “It’s time this city reflects our values – diversity, sustainability, and the unrelenting pursuit of reusable tote bags.”
The mayor insisted the change would help NYC better align with the Twitter bios of its residents.
According to City Hall sources, the name change was inspired after Mamdani accidentally ordered a $17 oat milk latte labeled “Woke York City” at a Williamsburg café. “It was destiny,” he explained. “Also, it came with free carbon-neutral foam.”
Critics have called the plan “performative,” but Mamdani has assured them the rebranding will be accompanied by real policy – including the mandatory installation of compost bins in all subway cars.
When asked if residents supported the change, Mamdani smiled confidently. “New Woke City isn’t just a place,” he said. “It’s a mindset – one that refuses to sleep until everyone’s pronouns are spelled correctly on Starbucks cups.”
He concluded the press conference by unveiling the city’s new motto: “If you can make it woke here, you can make it woke anywhere.”
*Image: AI-generated