WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what’s being dubbed “Operation Purse Snatch: DC Edition,” Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem’s handbag was reportedly stolen from a D.C. restaurant last night.
While the FBI and four confused TSA agents were dispatched to the scene, the contents of the missing bag have now leaked to the press via a suspiciously talkative busboy named “Kyle.”
Here are the seven most bizarre and completely believable items that were allegedly inside:
- A signed headshot of Kristi Noem, addressed “To Future Me – You’re killing it!” — Analysts suspect this was for motivation or spontaneous autograph emergencies. Some say it had a tear stain from a mysterious incident labeled “CPAC ‘23.”
- A small, laminated “Top Secret” card labeled “How to Spell Nuclear” — Presumably for use during press conferences or spelling bees that take a sudden geopolitical turn.
- One (1) emergency bald eagle feather — For patriotism, rituals, or last-minute costume changes. The feather reportedly chirps “USA!” when waved in the air, but only on government holidays.
- A half-eaten Slim Jim wrapped in a Constitution-themed napkin — Because nothing says freedom like spicy preserved meat and the First Amendment.
- Miniature karaoke microphone with preloaded tracks: “God Bless America” and “Eye of the Tiger” — Used for spontaneous morale-boosting performances or intimidating rogue diplomats.
- A tiny bottle of “Freedom Scent” perfume — Said to smell like apple pie, gunpowder, and faint concern.
- A handwritten pros/cons list titled “Run for President?!” — Pros included “Already have cool boots” and “People love governors with strong jawlines.” Cons: “Possible rogue bag theft??”
Investigators are now on high alert, fearing the bag’s contents could be weaponized — emotionally, politically, or musically. Anyone with information is encouraged to report to the Department of Lost Dignity.
* Image: Pixabay.com