MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Russian president Vladimir Putin has promised to appointed U.S. President Donald J. Trump as governor of the newly established “Alaskan Oblast” – a new Russian oblast that will be formed instead of the State of Alaska should President Trump’s grant Alaska to Russia.
The appointment was announced during a televised Kremlin press conference, where Putin praised Trump for his “unwavering commitment to confusion, chaos, convenient amnesia, and making Russia Great Again.”
“This is a token of gratitude,” Putin said, patting a framed Time magazine cover of Trump.
“Without his special brand of support – the kind that looks like opposition but helps us anyway – our operations in Ukraine would have faced more than just mean tweets and strongly worded interviews on cable news,” Putin added.
Trump, donning a red baseball cap with a “TWO MORE WEEKS” slogan, considered if he should accept the role.
“It’s a tremendous honor. The best honor. No one’s ever been a better fake governor of a non-existent oblast — not even Lincoln, maybe,” he declared at a hastily organized press event on a golf cart.
When asked what his first policy would be, he replied, “More blinis, less NATO. And I’ll be building a beautiful wall around Alaska. Very classy. Paid for by… someone. Probably by the Alaskan people, the best people living here.”
The newly-minted Russia’s Alaskan Oblast formerly known as the State of Alaska, while entirely imaginary, has already garnered a five-star Yelp rating for its potential in tax evasion, reality distortion, and suspiciously generous zoning laws.
As Trump put it, “It’s the perfect place – it has everything: no rules, lots of power, and zero accountability. Just like home.”
* Image: flickr.com/Trump White House Archived