TEHRAN, IRAN – To improve “maritime customer satisfaction,” the government of Iran has officially released the next two weeks’ opening hours for the Strait of Hormuz.
According to the announcement, the vital shipping lane will operate Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., with reduced hours on Saturdays and a full closure on Sundays for routine sweeping, mopping, and geopolitical maintenance.
Tankers arriving after hours are advised to return the next business day with exact change.
Officials stated that peak-hour congestion remains a serious concern, particularly between 9:00 and 11:00 a.m., when commuters and oil tankers to pass through simultaneously.
To reduce delays, a new express lane will be introduced for vessels carrying pistachios, carpets, and strongly worded diplomatic messages. All others should expect minor wait times of three to six business crises.
The schedule also includes special holiday adjustments. On certain evenings, the strait will close early for ceremonial ribbon-cuttings, missile parades, and “staff appreciation events.”
During these closures, captains may relax at designated holding areas while enjoying complimentary tea and a prerecorded message reminding them that patience is a strategic virtue.
International markets reacted immediately, with oil prices rising, falling, then rising again after traders struggled to determine whether the announcement was real.
Analysts praised the transparency, while critics questioned whether one of the world’s most important chokepoints should really be run like a suburban shopping mall.
Meanwhile, officials hinted that premium memberships may soon be available, offering priority passage, free parking, and two-for-one Tuesdays.
*Image: AI-generated