WASHINGTON, DC – The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) announced today from now on all television stations must exclusively broadcast positive stories about President Trump and the Republican Party.
The new regulation states that even mildly critical coverage will result in the instant and permanent revocation of the station’s license, plus a strongly worded Truth Social post.
The mandate requires networks to open every broadcast with a minimum of three glowing adjectives about the President, with “tremendous,” “historic,” and “the best ever” being strongly encouraged.
Examples of acceptable segments include Trump’s golf score (regardless of whether it’s verified), GOP senators’ ribbon-cutting appearances at local strip malls, and speculative reports on how the stock market “might” have been worse under literally anyone else.
One FCC spokesperson added, “We’re not saying you must air slow-motion footage of Trump giving thumbs-up, but stations who do will have a much smoother renewal process.”
News directors nationwide are scrambling to comply. CNN is rumored to be developing a new program titled Anderson Cooper Smiles While Reading Trump Tweets, while PBS has quietly rebranded Frontline as Frontline: How the GOP Saved Civilization.
Meanwhile, Fox News executives, upon hearing the news, reportedly said, “Wait, we were already doing that. Do we get extra points?”
Critics argue the rule undermines democracy, journalistic integrity, and the very concept of facts, but they were quickly reminded that criticizing the rule itself counts as “negative coverage.”
As one anonymous anchor whispered while frantically editing a segment about Trump’s hair to be more “wind-defying,”: “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.”
The FCC declined to comment on whether weather reports predicting storms in GOP districts would be considered treasonous, but confirmed that sunshine “must always be mentioned as the Trump effect.”
*Image: Flickr.com