WASHINGTON, D.C – President Donald J. Trump announced today that he has officially run out of lives to save.
Since returning to office on January 6, 2025, Trump have worked hard to personally save “millions, billions, maybe trillions” of lives every single day, until finally, as of this morning, there were simply no lives left in need of saving.
“I’ve done such a tremendous job, folks,” Trump told reporters. “I saved all the lives. Every single one. People are saying it’s never been done before, and frankly, it may never be done again.”
White House aides confirmed that Trump’s daily schedule has been filled with non-stop life-saving activities, ranging from “preventing disasters” to “reminding people to hydrate.” At one point, sources say, the President reportedly shouted “I just saved that guy’s life!” after handing a tourist a bottle of water in front of the Lincoln Memorial.
“He was thirsty. Very thirsty. Nobody would’ve helped him except me,” Trump explained. Economists are baffled by the implications, warning that with no more lives to save, entire industries dedicated to safety and healthcare may need to reinvent themselves.
Critics argue the President’s math doesn’t add up, pointing out that the global population is only around eight billion, far fewer than the “gazillions” of lives Trump insists he has saved.
The administration, however, clarified that Trump’s efforts extended to “future lives, potential lives, and lives in alternate universes.” A spokesperson added, “When President Trump saves a life, it stays saved, across all timelines.”
Meanwhile, the nation faces an unexpected crisis: what happens when there are no more lives left to rescue? In a statement posted to Truth Social, Trump promised to “start saving lives again the moment people get careless.”
Until then, aides say he will be focusing on new challenges, such as saving golf scores, television ratings, etc.
For now, America remains in an unprecedented state of total safety — though experts caution that, if history is any guide, it probably won’t last long.
*Image: Flickr.com/Gage Skidmore