WASHINGTON, D.C. – Several Democratic Party leaders are until today deeply stunned after Zohran Mamdani secured the New York Mayor election victory last month, running on what experts are calling a “social democratic program.”
This is following a turn of events in New York City, that absolutely no party major strategist could have seen coming, despite several interns whispering “Maybe try policies people like?”,
This was a phrase that sent several consultants scrambling to Google what it means. Witnesses say the moment the NYC mayoral election results came in, half the Democrats national committee dropped their clipboards in shock, while the other half began quietly drafting job applications for think tanks.
Sources close to senior party leadership say confusion hit unprecedented levels. “We didn’t even know you were allowed to run on stuff like that,” said one bewildered strategist, staring at Mamdani’s platform as if it were an ancient tablet written in forgotten runes.
Another staffer was overheard muttering, “But… he talked about housing? And healthcare? And somehow didn’t burst into flames?”
Meanwhile, consultants across the country entered what experts are calling “Stage IV Messaging Crisis.”
One veteran advisor admitted, anonymously, that their entire playbook now feels unusable. “How are we supposed to compete with someone who promises things people want?”
“That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works,” the advisors lamented while feeding binders of polling data into a paper shredder.
Despite the chaos, Mamdani himself appeared calm, offering a brief statement: “It turns out when you run on popular policies, voters sometimes vote for you. Who knew?”
At press time, Democratic leadership was reportedly convening an emergency retreat to study his methods, though insiders say the agenda so far consists only of a whiteboard reading, in all caps, “TRY???”
*Image: Wikimedia Commons cc-as 4.0
