WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a statement that left both diplomats and geography teachers reaching for aspirin, Donald Trump’s special envoy, Steve Witkoff, reportedly suggested that the United States “consider ceding all Spanish-speaking territories”, including California, Arizona, New Mexico, and Southern Texas, to Mexico.
Witkoff justified the plan using what he called “common-sense linguistic diplomacy,” explaining, “If people in a region mostly speak Spanish, it just makes sense that it belongs to a Spanish-speaking country.”
The proposal was apparently inspired by Witkoff’s earlier suggestion that Ukraine should simply hand over to Russia all territories where people speak Russian.
“It’s the same principle,” Witkoff elaborated. “If language determines sovereignty, then Los Angeles clearly belongs to Mexico, Miami might be up for debate, and New York should probably start brushing up on its Yiddish.”
While the Mexican government has yet to issue a formal response, insiders say officials were seen “laughing uncontrollably” and “checking Zillow listings in Malibu.”
Meanwhile, California Governor Gavin Newsom reportedly offered to “consider the deal” if Mexico agreed to take “Elon Musk and his Twitter experiments” as part of the package.
The White House declined to comment, citing a strict policy of not responding to “statements made after three margaritas.”
*Image: AI-generated