NUUK, GREENLAND – The local government of Greenland announced this week the plan to construct a “big, maybe the biggest in the world” Jeffrey Epstein Theme Park, a project whose sole stated purpose is to ensure Donald Trump never mentions Greenland ever again.
The announcement came during a solemn press conference where ministers stood in front of a blurry PowerPoint slide reading, “Please, Just Stop Talking About Us!”
According to the proposal, the park will feature attractions such as “The Non-Disclosure Agreement Log Flume,” “Billionaire Mystery Mansion,” and a Ferris wheel that reportedly disappears from official maps every 15 minutes.
Greenlandic officials stressed that the park is not meant to celebrate anything, but rather to create such an aggressively uncomfortable association that any future reference to Greenland would trigger Trump an immediate change of subject, possibly to golf or windmills.
Donald Trump, upon hearing the news, briefly considered responding before pausing for several seconds and saying, “Greenland? Never heard of it. Total disaster. Sad.”
Sources close to the president confirmed that this reaction exceeded Greenland’s expectations and has already been classified as a “major diplomatic success.”
Iceland reportedly sent a congratulatory fruit basket, mostly out of professional jealousy.
Construction is expected to begin as soon as the ground thaws.
When asked what would happen if Trump still mentioned Greenland despite the park, officials sighed heavily and revealed a backup plan involving a Ghislaine Maxwell Water Park.
“We don’t want to do it,” one official said, staring into the distance, “but peace requires sacrifice.”
*Image: AI-generated