WASHINGTON, D.C – Annotating his first year of his second term in the office President Donald Trump proudly announced that he managed to celebrate “the first year in office in just one year!”
“This is a feat that took Joe Biden a full twelve months! A lot of people are saying this,” Trump emphasized, gesturing confidently at no one in particular. “Nobody celebrates a first year faster than me. Biden? Twelve months. Sad.”
According to Trump, the achievement required “tremendous efficiency,” “the best calendars,” and what he described as an “incredible understanding of time, maybe the best ever.”
Sources close to the former president claim he has long suspected that Biden’s team used “very slow clocks” and possibly “European months,” which Trump implied are “much weaker” than American ones.
White House historians were reportedly left scrambling to verify the claim, carefully explaining that one year and twelve months are, in fact, the same amount of time.
Trump dismissed this as “fake math” and accused historians of being biased against speed. “When I do a year, it’s faster. Everyone knows it,” he added. “My year had more year in it.”
As the press conference concluded, Trump teased an upcoming announcement in which he plans to complete a full presidential term in “record time,” possibly by next Tuesday.
Meanwhile, Biden’s team declined to comment, instead releasing a brief statement confirming that, yes, twelve months still equals one year, and no, they are not looking into upgrading their clocks.
*Image: AI-generated